( this damian is so much bigger than his own. he'd--god, they'd all hoped by this time he'd be a little better adjusted. at thirteen damian's doing a fucking great job of getting there.
at nineteen he's a mess who can't even look at jason.
lips press together tight before he's sinking down onto his knees. it doesn't quite have the effect it used to: putting himself close to eye level, damian's so much taller. by the time he's done growing jason bets he'll have outgrown them all.
but it lowers himself, makes jason tilt his head up to look at him. )
I'm fine. Will you look at me? Just for a minute. We can call someone to fix it if you can't.
( it's softer, because jason's doing his damned best here; )
We're all liars and assholes and destroy everything, I know. But don't lie to me. Anyone else, I don't give a shit. But you can't keep everything in like this.
[ He sinks down slowly. Takes a steadying breath and reaches out for Jason's face, to settle his nose. ]
What do you do [ his voice is soft, painfully soft, exposing the unarmored underbelly of his emotions. ] when you don't like who you are, and know you're never going to change.
( just when he thinks damian's emotional vulnerability can't hurt him anymore, he asks the question jason's been looking for an answer for since--god. forever. )
You fake it. ( mirroring damian's tone: ) You fake it and hope no one sees how goddamn hard it is. How much it hurts. Hope someone--learns to accept who you are on the surface even it doesn't match what's under.
[ It's not the answer he wants. But maybe it's the only one he'll ever get.
He wonders if Talia has this struggle. If the reason that she fixated on his father for so long was that she thought Bruce Wayne could see her and understand all her darkness, perhaps even love her for it.
He gives Jason no warning as he sets his nose. He drops his hands.
What if you don't like who you are? Then reinvent yourself.
( it's the only answer jason has. the only thing he's ever known. damian sets cartilage back and jason can't help the hiss that passes through teeth, shoulders tensing before he's reaching up to feel out the damage. already, it's swollen up, bruises forming under his eyes, over his nose. )
When Dick died -- [ his voice wavers. a stop. a pause. he tries to find the words again. ] Alfred never gave up on me. He... was the only one in that camp who didn't, and the only one that didn't buy whatever the hell the old man told him happened... He didn't agree with what I was doing, he was still on Father's side, but...
[ and it got him killed. ]
... If you want to see him, do it. Just don't bring him around me.
( he gets that, too. takes a moment to wipe snd smear the blood on his face. the broken skin'll need to be bandaged, but--he's fine for now. )
Thought you wanted me to leave you alone. ( quiet, but not as soft and broken as it had been. damian told him to back off, jason'll keep his word if that is what he wants. but they both know better. )
[ No. It's the problem with getting close to people who are close to Batman. He lets silence settle between them for a while, wiping his hands off on his pantleg. ]
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no subject
Date: 2019-01-14 02:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-14 02:06 am (UTC)at nineteen he's a mess who can't even look at jason.
lips press together tight before he's sinking down onto his knees. it doesn't quite have the effect it used to: putting himself close to eye level, damian's so much taller. by the time he's done growing jason bets he'll have outgrown them all.
but it lowers himself, makes jason tilt his head up to look at him. )
I'm fine. Will you look at me? Just for a minute. We can call someone to fix it if you can't.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-14 02:10 am (UTC)The tears have stopped - more a panic reaction than anything, but it does nothing to disguise the sadness there. The bitter self-loathing. ]
no subject
Date: 2019-01-14 02:15 am (UTC)( it's softer, because jason's doing his damned best here; )
We're all liars and assholes and destroy everything, I know. But don't lie to me. Anyone else, I don't give a shit. But you can't keep everything in like this.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-14 02:19 am (UTC)What do you do [ his voice is soft, painfully soft, exposing the unarmored underbelly of his emotions. ] when you don't like who you are, and know you're never going to change.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-14 02:40 am (UTC)You fake it. ( mirroring damian's tone: ) You fake it and hope no one sees how goddamn hard it is. How much it hurts. Hope someone--learns to accept who you are on the surface even it doesn't match what's under.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-14 02:47 am (UTC)He wonders if Talia has this struggle. If the reason that she fixated on his father for so long was that she thought Bruce Wayne could see her and understand all her darkness, perhaps even love her for it.
He gives Jason no warning as he sets his nose. He drops his hands.
What if you don't like who you are?
Then reinvent yourself.
This is the reinvention.
He's no better. ]
I'm tired of faking it.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-14 02:52 am (UTC)Then learn to accept how you are.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-14 02:55 am (UTC)Damian sits back on his heels, working his fingers through his hair with a sigh. ]
Why do you keep coming back?
no subject
Date: 2019-01-14 03:00 am (UTC)'cause everyone always gives up on me, and I'm sure as hell not giving you the same treatment. I know how shit it feels, wouldn't wish it on anyone.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-14 03:04 am (UTC)When Dick died -- [ his voice wavers. a stop. a pause. he tries to find the words again. ] Alfred never gave up on me. He... was the only one in that camp who didn't, and the only one that didn't buy whatever the hell the old man told him happened... He didn't agree with what I was doing, he was still on Father's side, but...
[ and it got him killed. ]
... If you want to see him, do it. Just don't bring him around me.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-14 03:13 am (UTC)Thought you wanted me to leave you alone. ( quiet, but not as soft and broken as it had been. damian told him to back off, jason'll keep his word if that is what he wants. but they both know better. )
no subject
Date: 2019-01-14 03:14 am (UTC)[ Without venom. ]
I don't want you to be used against me.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-14 03:20 am (UTC)( resting his weight back on his heels. sitting is nice. maybe he'll stay here a bit. )
Guess you'll just have to learn to deal with it.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-14 03:22 am (UTC)... Kara kissed me.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-14 03:52 am (UTC)Oh? Were you into it, or was it one of those awkward ones where you just didn't know how to react?
no subject
Date: 2019-01-14 03:55 am (UTC)It was nice.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-14 03:59 am (UTC)I had a crush on her before, y'know. I mean who hasn't? Supergirl is pretty damn amazing.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-14 04:01 am (UTC)She doesn't exist in my world.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-14 04:23 am (UTC)( idly lifting his shoulders, before jason's rolling up onto his knees. )
If you like her, 's fine. Kara's a nice girl. Doesn't take anyone's shit.
( that's what's important. )
no subject
Date: 2019-01-14 04:25 am (UTC)Right. [ He still doesn't know what to do. About any of it. Or this. ] ... I'm sorry.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-14 04:35 am (UTC)( off girls, back to this. good. jason isn't a great person for girl talks. )
But don't lie to me, alright? 's all I ask.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-14 04:37 am (UTC)[ It makes him too much like Bruce. ]
I don't know what I'm doing here, Jason.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-14 04:43 am (UTC)( they're displaced, lost all the resources they had. their information is all outdated, useless. )
We'll just have to find a new path.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-14 08:26 am (UTC)I don't think I can.
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