( he doesn't fight it this time. there wasn't blood when dick fell, not much anyway, but that terrible crunch had resounded over the din of the fighting. But there had been blood with Alfred. With Jason, after the Clown had made a ruin if him. Damian had thought himself numb to this.
There are tears. He is numb, feels numb, but there are tears. )
( sucks when someone breaks breaks your nose and they start crying over it. but jason gets it. the throbbing pain sucks, but it's the emotional pain damian's going through that he imagines is way worse. arms grip on tight, gloved fingers of one hand moving down to wipe away tears. )
I'm getting some really mixed signals here, D. ( murmured soft even if there's an edge of pain. ) Don't tell me you lied to my face earlier.
[ Break your nose, that is. Lying is less of a problem right now. He wants to shove Jason's hands off of him but he already hurt him (again) so he's terrified to touch him. ]
I shouldn't have friends. I shouldn't be around people. I'm good for the mission, I'm good at being a hero - I am not good at being a person, why do people keep demanding this from me. I don't want to be a person, I just want to wear the suit and save the world and let the rest all fall to noise.
( skin broken up the bridge and blood still over lips, his chin, down onto the tank top he's still got on. )
It's just broken. Just shove the cartilage back.
( he hates this so much. hates how much damian's--god. how much he's given up on everything. himself, the world, everyone else around him. damian does look up though, so jason pulls back, wipes his hand across his lips again, smears blood over a cheek. )
( this damian is so much bigger than his own. he'd--god, they'd all hoped by this time he'd be a little better adjusted. at thirteen damian's doing a fucking great job of getting there.
at nineteen he's a mess who can't even look at jason.
lips press together tight before he's sinking down onto his knees. it doesn't quite have the effect it used to: putting himself close to eye level, damian's so much taller. by the time he's done growing jason bets he'll have outgrown them all.
but it lowers himself, makes jason tilt his head up to look at him. )
I'm fine. Will you look at me? Just for a minute. We can call someone to fix it if you can't.
( it's softer, because jason's doing his damned best here; )
We're all liars and assholes and destroy everything, I know. But don't lie to me. Anyone else, I don't give a shit. But you can't keep everything in like this.
[ He sinks down slowly. Takes a steadying breath and reaches out for Jason's face, to settle his nose. ]
What do you do [ his voice is soft, painfully soft, exposing the unarmored underbelly of his emotions. ] when you don't like who you are, and know you're never going to change.
( just when he thinks damian's emotional vulnerability can't hurt him anymore, he asks the question jason's been looking for an answer for since--god. forever. )
You fake it. ( mirroring damian's tone: ) You fake it and hope no one sees how goddamn hard it is. How much it hurts. Hope someone--learns to accept who you are on the surface even it doesn't match what's under.
[ It's not the answer he wants. But maybe it's the only one he'll ever get.
He wonders if Talia has this struggle. If the reason that she fixated on his father for so long was that she thought Bruce Wayne could see her and understand all her darkness, perhaps even love her for it.
He gives Jason no warning as he sets his nose. He drops his hands.
What if you don't like who you are? Then reinvent yourself.
( it's the only answer jason has. the only thing he's ever known. damian sets cartilage back and jason can't help the hiss that passes through teeth, shoulders tensing before he's reaching up to feel out the damage. already, it's swollen up, bruises forming under his eyes, over his nose. )
When Dick died -- [ his voice wavers. a stop. a pause. he tries to find the words again. ] Alfred never gave up on me. He... was the only one in that camp who didn't, and the only one that didn't buy whatever the hell the old man told him happened... He didn't agree with what I was doing, he was still on Father's side, but...
[ and it got him killed. ]
... If you want to see him, do it. Just don't bring him around me.
( he gets that, too. takes a moment to wipe snd smear the blood on his face. the broken skin'll need to be bandaged, but--he's fine for now. )
Thought you wanted me to leave you alone. ( quiet, but not as soft and broken as it had been. damian told him to back off, jason'll keep his word if that is what he wants. but they both know better. )
[ No. It's the problem with getting close to people who are close to Batman. He lets silence settle between them for a while, wiping his hands off on his pantleg. ]
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There are tears. He is numb, feels numb, but there are tears. )
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I'm getting some really mixed signals here, D. ( murmured soft even if there's an edge of pain. ) Don't tell me you lied to my face earlier.
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[ Break your nose, that is. Lying is less of a problem right now. He wants to shove Jason's hands off of him but he already hurt him (again) so he's terrified to touch him. ]
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( he won't leave this time. dick already pointed out how much he fucked up with damian when he told him to leave. )
My nose's seen worse.
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I shouldn't have friends. I shouldn't be around people. I'm good for the mission, I'm good at being a hero - I am not good at being a person, why do people keep demanding this from me. I don't want to be a person, I just want to wear the suit and save the world and let the rest all fall to noise.
He looks at the damage, not at Jason's eyes. ]
You need to go to the hospital.
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It's just broken. Just shove the cartilage back.
( he hates this so much. hates how much damian's--god. how much he's given up on everything. himself, the world, everyone else around him. damian does look up though, so jason pulls back, wipes his hand across his lips again, smears blood over a cheek. )
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at nineteen he's a mess who can't even look at jason.
lips press together tight before he's sinking down onto his knees. it doesn't quite have the effect it used to: putting himself close to eye level, damian's so much taller. by the time he's done growing jason bets he'll have outgrown them all.
but it lowers himself, makes jason tilt his head up to look at him. )
I'm fine. Will you look at me? Just for a minute. We can call someone to fix it if you can't.
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The tears have stopped - more a panic reaction than anything, but it does nothing to disguise the sadness there. The bitter self-loathing. ]
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( it's softer, because jason's doing his damned best here; )
We're all liars and assholes and destroy everything, I know. But don't lie to me. Anyone else, I don't give a shit. But you can't keep everything in like this.
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What do you do [ his voice is soft, painfully soft, exposing the unarmored underbelly of his emotions. ] when you don't like who you are, and know you're never going to change.
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You fake it. ( mirroring damian's tone: ) You fake it and hope no one sees how goddamn hard it is. How much it hurts. Hope someone--learns to accept who you are on the surface even it doesn't match what's under.
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He wonders if Talia has this struggle. If the reason that she fixated on his father for so long was that she thought Bruce Wayne could see her and understand all her darkness, perhaps even love her for it.
He gives Jason no warning as he sets his nose. He drops his hands.
What if you don't like who you are?
Then reinvent yourself.
This is the reinvention.
He's no better. ]
I'm tired of faking it.
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Then learn to accept how you are.
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Damian sits back on his heels, working his fingers through his hair with a sigh. ]
Why do you keep coming back?
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'cause everyone always gives up on me, and I'm sure as hell not giving you the same treatment. I know how shit it feels, wouldn't wish it on anyone.
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When Dick died -- [ his voice wavers. a stop. a pause. he tries to find the words again. ] Alfred never gave up on me. He... was the only one in that camp who didn't, and the only one that didn't buy whatever the hell the old man told him happened... He didn't agree with what I was doing, he was still on Father's side, but...
[ and it got him killed. ]
... If you want to see him, do it. Just don't bring him around me.
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Thought you wanted me to leave you alone. ( quiet, but not as soft and broken as it had been. damian told him to back off, jason'll keep his word if that is what he wants. but they both know better. )
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[ Without venom. ]
I don't want you to be used against me.
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( resting his weight back on his heels. sitting is nice. maybe he'll stay here a bit. )
Guess you'll just have to learn to deal with it.
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... Kara kissed me.
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Oh? Were you into it, or was it one of those awkward ones where you just didn't know how to react?
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It was nice.
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I had a crush on her before, y'know. I mean who hasn't? Supergirl is pretty damn amazing.
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She doesn't exist in my world.
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