O...kay. [Keith says this slowly, like he's piecing it together. Should he be out here? No. But sitting still while being sick is like asking Keith to sit still any other time: he would've been out here for some other equally irrational reason.
And guess what? Getting sick is a great motivator for him learning how to make his power activate manually.
All right. I understand. The younger version of you seemed adamant about not being called that. [That's why he had to check—why he wanted to ask him. Maybe he was hiding himself for some other reason.
Though Keith will never have the self esteem to think he'd be special enough to have a different name to call Damian by. It was more that he wanted to make sure that Damian was going by what Damian wanted.]
But you're adamant whenever you say anything. [So.]
[ He doesn't argue it. There's no kneejerk reaction. Quiet for a minute. ]
I was at that age. [ ... ] I threw away everything that made me 'me' in order to earn my father's trust and approval.
[ He scrubs a hand down his face. The dreams are mostly a disjointed, painful mess of memories he'd been trying hard to ignore. He can't close his eyes without seeing Dick's body burned into his eyelids, feel the skin still warm under his touch. Like he could sill get up and shake it off. Like it was all some terrible joke. ]
The... the thing that kept all the... [ he falters. it should be an easy word to say - bodies. Corpses. Things bereft of life, no longer people, not even real - but he can't bring himself to say it. ] That wouldn't let anything change. That was him.
[When he was in there, Keith knows he wasn't the best at asking questions. He set himself upon a goal, and it was only upon waking up that he was able to shake it out. In that way, it was a dream: different from when he went into Honerva's consciousness. That's not to say that Keith can't be terribly simple in his motivations. It's just that there was something so unreal feeling about it all that he let himself get caught up in his tunnel vision.
He frowns with what Damian's saying. Keith's never been asked to completely change himself: not Shiro, not Kolivan, not his mother. The other paladins didn't ask him to change—they only ever wanted him to rise to the occasion, because they knew what he could do.
And so ... Damian needing to do that makes him unhappy. The sickness probably isn't helping. It makes his head swim.]
He keeps everything the same but tries to make everyone change according to that. Is that right? You wouldn't do that unless you thought you had no choice, or if it was a good idea for everyone. [Damian doesn't change his ways readily or easily. It's not a bad thing, especially now that Keith understands his convictions more readily.]
[ Clocks stopped at the moment of their death. A life dedicated to being a hero, to stopping two bullets. A grown man frozen with the emotional maturity and development of a eight-year-old boy. Caught up in a world where 'good guys' and 'bad guys' were mutually exclusive things. ]
There was an accident and someone died.
[ every time he tried to bury the past, there bruce was. digging it back up and putting it back n display - terribly ironic, considering that he was the one who had literally dug up a corpse. ]
He never forgave me. But it wasn't because that person died, it was because I had finally enough and stood up to him.
He just used the death as a justification for the fact that he'd hated me all along.
[Keith feels conflicted. It's not about anything that Damian says, but because he knows that his life turned out okay. His father was a true hero who died trying to do good in the world. There was a time when he childishly resented his father for not trying to live to be there for him, but it was a child's resentment and nothing more. Before long, he came to know how important it was that his dad did what he did—and how it was more important than him.
(A message skewed by the mind of a child, only in a slightly different way.)
Meeting his mother had been a stroke of luck. She's strong. Loving. And he can't resent her for leaving him, for going on her mission. He just can't. They both had who they are and who they were to the universe, and Keith is no different. He really is their son.
His body language betrays his awkwardness, hands moving from being stuffed into his pockets to crossing over his chests. The poof of his coat makes it harder to cross fluidly. That sucks.]
I'm sorry. I don't know what to say other than that.
I didn't tell you this to have you pity me. I just don't need you going around thinking that what you saw - that I was the one who did that. I wasn't.
[ He's had enough of people thinking he's a monster. He's had enough of the wrong version of that story going around, of Dick's tragic death being painted as something cruel and opportunistic. Of Damian reveling in the loss of his siblings, of him feeling nothing and being wrong for trying to move on. ]
I don't pity you. [Not intentionally. Not on purpose. Any emotion Keith feels toward the situation is one of sympathy. Is that pity? It's hard to say, but he feels like that's a largely negative emotion. That's not something that he feels here, like it explains everything about Damian.
It doesn't. It never would.]
I just—[I realize how lucky I am. Aside from Damian's brothers, there's no one left in the world to talk to about the differences between him and Damian. Everyone he confided in is gone, with the exception of Jughead. And things are weird there: Keith feels responsible for Jughead, and thus doesn't confide in him.]
[ He doesn't need or want pity. Damian Wayne is a force of nature, capable of bringing the world to its knees if he so chose. Maybe not here, but back home. Back in his own world.
He stops short, shoving his hands in his own pockets. ]
You breathe a word of this to anyone, you're dead. [ He doesn't sound particularly murderous - and the statement undermines everything he'd said beforehand, about not being a monster, about wanting to be better.
But there are some secrets he's not ready to come out. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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And guess what? Getting sick is a great motivator for him learning how to make his power activate manually.
Too bad it's a late one.]
Do you want to go by that title?
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[ It's a messy, convoluted web to even try to explain. ]
'Hafid al Ghul' is as much my identity as 'Damian Wayne' is. [ And he doesn't like either very much. ]
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Though Keith will never have the self esteem to think he'd be special enough to have a different name to call Damian by. It was more that he wanted to make sure that Damian was going by what Damian wanted.]
But you're adamant whenever you say anything. [So.]
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I was at that age. [ ... ] I threw away everything that made me 'me' in order to earn my father's trust and approval.
[ He scrubs a hand down his face. The dreams are mostly a disjointed, painful mess of memories he'd been trying hard to ignore. He can't close his eyes without seeing Dick's body burned into his eyelids, feel the skin still warm under his touch. Like he could sill get up and shake it off. Like it was all some terrible joke. ]
The... the thing that kept all the... [ he falters. it should be an easy word to say - bodies. Corpses. Things bereft of life, no longer people, not even real - but he can't bring himself to say it. ] That wouldn't let anything change. That was him.
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He frowns with what Damian's saying. Keith's never been asked to completely change himself: not Shiro, not Kolivan, not his mother. The other paladins didn't ask him to change—they only ever wanted him to rise to the occasion, because they knew what he could do.
And so ... Damian needing to do that makes him unhappy. The sickness probably isn't helping. It makes his head swim.]
He keeps everything the same but tries to make everyone change according to that. Is that right? You wouldn't do that unless you thought you had no choice, or if it was a good idea for everyone. [Damian doesn't change his ways readily or easily. It's not a bad thing, especially now that Keith understands his convictions more readily.]
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[ Clocks stopped at the moment of their death. A life dedicated to being a hero, to stopping two bullets. A grown man frozen with the emotional maturity and development of a eight-year-old boy. Caught up in a world where 'good guys' and 'bad guys' were mutually exclusive things. ]
There was an accident and someone died.
[ every time he tried to bury the past, there bruce was. digging it back up and putting it back n display - terribly ironic, considering that he was the one who had literally dug up a corpse. ]
He never forgave me. But it wasn't because that person died, it was because I had finally enough and stood up to him.
He just used the death as a justification for the fact that he'd hated me all along.
[ Not strictly true. But he feels it to be. ]
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(A message skewed by the mind of a child, only in a slightly different way.)
Meeting his mother had been a stroke of luck. She's strong. Loving. And he can't resent her for leaving him, for going on her mission. He just can't. They both had who they are and who they were to the universe, and Keith is no different. He really is their son.
His body language betrays his awkwardness, hands moving from being stuffed into his pockets to crossing over his chests. The poof of his coat makes it harder to cross fluidly. That sucks.]
I'm sorry. I don't know what to say other than that.
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[ He notes the discomfort. Quiet. ]
I didn't tell you this to have you pity me. I just don't need you going around thinking that what you saw - that I was the one who did that. I wasn't.
[ He's had enough of people thinking he's a monster. He's had enough of the wrong version of that story going around, of Dick's tragic death being painted as something cruel and opportunistic. Of Damian reveling in the loss of his siblings, of him feeling nothing and being wrong for trying to move on. ]
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It doesn't. It never would.]
I just—[I realize how lucky I am. Aside from Damian's brothers, there's no one left in the world to talk to about the differences between him and Damian. Everyone he confided in is gone, with the exception of Jughead. And things are weird there: Keith feels responsible for Jughead, and thus doesn't confide in him.]
Thank you for telling me. That's all.
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[ He doesn't need or want pity. Damian Wayne is a force of nature, capable of bringing the world to its knees if he so chose. Maybe not here, but back home. Back in his own world.
He stops short, shoving his hands in his own pockets. ]
You breathe a word of this to anyone, you're dead. [ He doesn't sound particularly murderous - and the statement undermines everything he'd said beforehand, about not being a monster, about wanting to be better.
But there are some secrets he's not ready to come out. ]
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Maybe he'll message him later to do it.]
I'm gonna go inside. I don't feel that good. [Finally admitting it.
Well, hopefully he doesn't get Damian sick.
(Or maybe Damian can blame his sickness on Keith. A true KEIIIIIITH!!!!! moment.)]
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He looks up to the sky. Feels the biting cold on his cheeks. ]
I'm going to stay out a while longer.
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[And then off he goes.
(It's definitely Keith's fault. The Keithsickness lingered, waiting for the right time to strike.)]